Strange Physics 101

Administratium, n., A major Boulderian research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named Administratium .

Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert.

However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it. (Thanks to John Lowe)

cavity of color, n., the correct terminology for the stellar object that in non-Boulderian space is called a black hole.

elf inch, n., aka pixie inch, ski area inch, an indeterminate unit of measure used to report snowfall amounts at Boulderia's Lake Pandora Ski Area, varying from zero to one standard inch as a limit. The exact value of the elf inch at a particular time is determined by the secret predawn rituals of snow wizards. Snowfall amounts with sufficiently large elf inch values can produce wish fields [which see] powerful enough to disrupt human social and commercial activities.

energy, n. There are two kinds of energy in the Boulderian universe; the boring everyday kind that, for example, makes SUVs go, and the more exciting kind that ripples up and down your spine like that ol' black magic and can do who knows what if you treat it just right. This cool, magical energy is so subtle that Science can't even start to measure it, but those in the know who possess the requisite alternativity can not only see it, but whip it into shape with their bare hands. Magical energy itself comes in two forms, "positive," which is "good;" and "negative," which is "bad."

entitlement force, n., One of the fundamental Boulderian natural forces, it is the force of entitlement which causes bodies to display smart motion [see geniustic behavior].

gee! force, n., the quality possessed by certain phenomena that tend to induce amazement or surprise relative to an observer. A vocalization or other effect produced by a sufficiently powerful gee! force is known as a gee whiz!

geniustic behavior, n. The most advantageous transition between two points is known as a smart move. A body in the state of making a smart move or smart motion in general is known as geniustic behavior. The branch of Boulderian physics describing geniustic behavior is smart mechanics. In the Mock-Einstein Conjecture, it was posited that so-called "dumb motion" is only apparent, and there actually exist only relative degrees of smart motility. This subsequently became the First Law of Smart Motion.

holistic, adj., holey or pertaining to holes. Early applications of holistic science allowed researchers to count the holes in Blackburn, Lancashire; and to know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.

lines of farce, n., imaginary lines thought to radiate outward from epicenters of Nugacity [which see], preposterousness or absurdity, representing a constant level of uniform silliness relative to the source. A system of such lines comprises the so-called "farce-field."

Nugacity, n. [cap.] It is possible for two or more bodies in smart motion [see geniustic behavior] to collide in such as way as to release a powerful burst of high-energy Nugacity. It is capitalized to distinguish it from the naturally-occurring background level nugacity which is present throughout Boulderian space. It is the quantum equivalent of that stuff in the center of a Mars bar. See lines of farce.

Perplexity Theory, n., A branch of mathematics dealing with things that just can't be explained. Based on the pioneering work of Professor Irwin Corey in the 1950s, perplexity theory allows scientists to evaluate just how much sense something really makes relative to complete incomprehensibility. Perplexity equations have found many practical applications in designing consumer electronics instruction manuals, traffic circles, political speeches and press conferences, and income tax forms and instructions.

quark, n. In Boulderian space, the smallest discrete quantity of graphic design is the quark. Graphic design is always expressed in quarks.

The Second and a Half Law of Thermodynamics, n., proposed to explain the so-called "dark suit problem," first described in the Einstein-Corey paper of 1921, but not confirmed until the famous Cocktail Party Experiment of 1932. It is usually explained to ordinary boneheads thus: "If Niels Bohr is wearing a dark suit and holding Schrodinger's cat in his lap, if the cat pees on his pants he will get a warm (pronounced 'varm') feeling, but no one will notice." It wasn't until 1972 that a brilliant team of technical joke writers at Boulderia's National Bureau of Novelties showed that this paradigm--and a paradigm was worth something in those days--applied universally to the motions of such diffuse bodies as municipal city councils, university administrations, recycling centers and the National Endowment for the Arts.

smart motion, n., see geniustic behavior.

space, n. Boulderian space exists in two forms: open and closed. According to the Theory of Realeastativity, closed space can be transformed into open space if bombarded by sufficiently high levels of pmu (public monetary units), but open space can not be transformed into closed space. In theory, the Boulderian universe will, after an infinite number of municipal elections, be composed entirely of open space. However, this would require infinite pmu.

traffic circle, n. nontechnical name for a geniustic modulation installation. The cyclotron of smart mechanics. [see geniustic behavior]

warm and fuzzy logic, n. An outgrowth of Perplexity Theory [which see], warm and fuzzy logic allows feeling good even when the right answer remains unknown. In w&f (pronounced "woof") logic, a proof need only demonstrate that the proposition ought to be true. W&f logic has found wide application in the planning field.

wish field, n., a mathematical model describing the distribution of entitlement forces [which see] in Boulderian space. The so-called "normal" laws of time and space appear to cease functioning to an observer inside a sufficiently powerful wish field.

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