The Unbridled Dictionary of the Boulderian Language

Rev. 09 25 06

activist, n. a type of secular evangelist plentiful in Boulder both in numbers and variety: there are student activists, peace activists (the nation looks to Boulder for leadership in international affairs), not to mention environmental, choice, life, gun, abortion, neighborhood, and just all-around activists. See Evan from Heaven, squeeky wheel government.

acupuncture, n. The ancient Chinese are credited with discovering that if you tell a sick person you are going to keep inserting sharp, flesh-piercing instruments into him at $100 a pop, he will tell you he "feels better already."

adult, adj. 1) denoting something painfully immature, perhaps pathologically so; biologically grown up, but in a state of psychologically arrested development. 2) x-tremely adolescent or sophomoric, frequently joined with "entertainment."

alternative, adj. 1) denoting a pitiable state in which the most salient attribute of something is merely that it is not something else, as in "alternative music;" a replacement, as "alternative medicine," an effective cure for the patient's excess wealth, or, as in "alternative health," formerly "illness." 2) resembling the sound produced when the bottom of a cultural barrel is being scraped. See also, cyber-, a computer-related variant of alternative.

Alternative culture can be seen as another rebellion against the Unfairness of Life. Why spend long years in med school and residency, or all those years practicing musical scales and mastering the technical challenges of an instrument, or all that time learning to research, analyze information, write clearly and to remember to check to make sure people's names are spelled right? Life is short! Alternative culture allows the wealthiest, most technologically advanced society in the world to enjoy the same cheesey, ad hoc cultural amenities with which the residents of third world nations are sometimes forced to make do. It's the cultural analogue of the penchant of the rich to try and look as if they're starving.

Alternative culture should not be confused with mere amateurism or dilettantism, in which things are done badly primarily for the personal enjoyment of doing them at all. In alternative culture, things are done badly just to be different from the people who can do things well. It's here, it's in your face, and it demands to be treated like a grown up, even though it isn't.

asshole magnet, n. certain kinds of public events particularly susceptible to the yahoo effect. "War is a great asshole magnet," writes P.J. O'Rourke.

asshole sign, n. a common graffito consisting of a circle with an "A" within, a sort of modern "Kilroy was here." Frequently accompanied by the slogan "Resist authority!" though rarely seen on the walls of the Justice Center or the sides of police cruisers.

attitude, n. everybody's got one: I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours. A popular modern substitute for brains.

aura, n. a magical-mystical nimbus that pervades the immediate spacetime around you because you are a Special Person. Don't worry if you can't see it; for a small gratuity any one of Boulder's many mutants will tell you about its pretty colors and check to see if it's a quart low.

Baghdad-by-the-Flatirons, n. (Bob Ewegen) sobriquet for Boulder coined in the ‘60s when Baghdad still conjured imagery exotic and strange, rather than than the biggest American foreign policy albatross since Viet Nam..

bearrière, n. posterior of a bruin, the safest end to view when encountering one in Boulder mountain parks.

Best of Boulder, n. newspaper mega-filler in which the tasteless preach to the clueless.

bogus compromise, n., a decision process, common to committees and situations under arbitration, in which the worst salient features of two or more propositions are combined. Nobody likes it, so it's got to be fair. When only two proposals are involved, a bogus compromise is sometimes known as a worst-of-two-worlds situation. Ex: The moped is a worst-of-two-worlds combination of hopelessly underpowered motorcycle and hopelessly clunky bicycle.

Boulder Abusive Relationship Syndrome, BARS, n. The town has its dedicated core of bitter detractors who can't seem to tear themselves away, like the characters in Buñuel's "The Exterminating Angel." See Goodbye, Cruel Boulder letter.

There is also Virtual Boulder Abusive Relationship Syndrome, or VBARS, as many chronic Boulder-abusers can't afford to actually live here, but if they could, they'd leave. The internet has made it much more practical for people who don't live in Boulder, vote in Boulder, or pay taxes in Boulder to bestow their wisdom upon the residents of Boulder, like the Boulder-obsessed right wingers who haunt the letters column of Boulder Weekly or the Daily Camera's website comment forums.

Bolder Boulder, n. an annual 10k run which draws numerous world class competitors, but who cares about them? For 48,000+ participants in the citizens' race, it's either an annual athletic test, or a chance to trot their booty through the Boulder streets before a throng of friends, admirers and aficianados of peopleflesh. An actual civic festival, in which people of all ages and conditions participate. Well, those with the entry fee, anyhow; just joining in is discouraged. A festival of sportsibitionism, the Cellulite Olympics.

Boulder breeze, n. 100 mile an hour wind; they call it many things, but they don't call it "Mariah."

Boulder Canyon, or simply, "the Canyon," n. a scenic mountain canyon west of Boulder, often used to mean the scenic and sometimes exciting mountain road which climbs some 3200 feet up the canyon in about 14 miles to the paradoxically named Nederland, a partly-picturesque mountain town heavy on the wool, granola and the Dead. This heavily-travelled canyon is a favorite venue of suicical bicyclists.

Boulder Creek Path, n. part of the city's bike path system, the creek path is either a wonderful thing or an act of lunacy, depending on how steely one's nerves or how terrifying was one's most recent close call. The central portion of the path, with its hair-raising mix of runners, bicyclists, roller bladers, stroller moms, dog walkers, and that Supreme Idiot, the cyclist with a leashed dog in tow, should qualify as x-treme sport, if that adjective weren't already worked to death. The opposing forces of inattentive and reckless behavior are said by some to symbolize the yin and yang of Boulder's population. So far, there have been no fatalities or major lawsuits, but the prudent walker would wear soccer pads.

Boulder envy, n. "They think they're so smart, just because their mayor is a genius!" That's right, former Boulder Mayor Will Toor (now county commissioner, so there!) is a bona fide genius, a college professor, physicist, and former child prodigy, a college freshman at age 12. But as Boulder mayor, the grown-up Will didn't act like a genius or a physicist. He acted like an ordinary Boulderian, campaigned with "Will Toor For Sure!" as a campaign slogan and believed Tinker Bell is real just as much as you do. Click here to see Hizzoner as an 11-year old child prodigy. Will left the mayorhood for the Tripartite Hegemony.

Boulder Tomorrow, n. a "faceless consortium of behind the scenes power brokers."

Boyles, Peter, n. affliction of Denver origin similar to a pain in the posterior; this perennial Boulder-baiter may be avoided by practicing safe aural intercourse.

Buddy Boulder, n. Boulder’s happily forgotten attempt at an official mascot.

candle light vigil, n. the emotional analogue of the potluck supper, and nearly as frequent in Boulder. A principal rite of The Cult of Good Intentions.

carnecopia, n. meat market, not to be confused with carnucopia, a new vehicle dealership.

Civility, Bogus n. The insistence upon scrupulous politeness and absense of sarcasm or anger on the part of those against whom one may be pursuing a ferociously self-interested agenda. The etiology of Bogus Civility is beyond the scope of this note, but see also parentalism.

ComCast, n. Boulder’s cable-tv company (formerly TCI). Like the principal character in The Man Who Came to Dinner, everyone’s grown to hate it but it won't go away.

community, n., [bureaucratese and prog buzzword] term affecting to associate the emotional capital, sense of legitimacy and value, and perhaps most important, inherent entitlement, implied by the traditional word, community, with nearly any definable group having something in common, any set. Actual recent example: the disk golf community (Daily Camera).

Compromise, Bogus, n. 1) an adjustment of opposing principles in which the worst features of each are incorporated into a resolution which is worse than any individual one, in a kind of negative synergy. A two-valued B.C. is sometimes called a "Worst of Two Worlds." Examples: the mini-SUV, and the motorized bicycle. 2) a settlement reached between opposing parties where each or both make bad-faith concessions, as a means of delay while other tactics and strategies are pursued.

concerns, n., usually plural. A true Boulderian can hemorrhage "concerns" from every orifice at will. Concerns may deal with vital issues, then again they may be employed to lend an aura of credibility to things which may have no basis in fact or fairness, and may be an attempt to abrogate, on the part of the concern holder, the duty of knowing what the hay he or she is talking about. It's the duty of the Powers-That-Be to "address" those concerns, and the responsibility of others to accomodate them, in the view of the concerned.

If everyone is created equal, goes the unspoken reasoning, then their concerns are equally valid. This belief results in a lamentable official lethargy in distinguishing legitimate concerns through obvious methods of intellectual discrimination, and consequently the business of Boulderian bureaucracy has come to consist largely of "addressing" concerns that are either unjustified or addressed by readily available information, or that they addressed last week. This massaging of concerns is also a time-honored way of ducking pressing problems. The illegitimate concern is a favorite tool of the toxic busybody and those with an inflamed sense of entitlement or importance. See Bogus Civility, Squeeky Wheel Government.

Conventional Wisdom, The First Law, [phil.] If an action fails to produce the intended result, you obviously need more of it.

Conventional Wisdom, The Second Law, [phil.] If an action intended to be palliative actually makes things worse, the data must be wrong. Redo the test.

Coors, n. (pronounced “curs”) 1) Colorado beer brand. Four out of five discriminating Texians prefer it to Jax or Lone Star. Slogan: “Brewed with pure, Rocky Mountain spring water.” Some insist the words “brewed with” should be replaced with "is." 2) brewing family noted for support of conservative political causes.

Coot Lake Missle Range, n., refers to the scandalous past of a small lake located off North 63rd St., once a venue for nude bathing. On June 20, 1979, City Council voted not to drain C.L. after an "emotional two-hour public hearing." Nude bathers had threatened to move to Boulder Falls and neighbors vowed to try and have the lake declared a public nuisance. In time, respectability overtook Coot Lake.

County Seat, n. the public rest room on the courthouse square. Despite mind-bogglingly (or perhaps bog-mindingly) expensive attempts to render it immune to assault, it has been inoperable much of its history because, as Bob Dylan sang, "the vandals took the handle." If it had a video surveillance camera, that would be vandalized, too.

Crossroads Mall, n. is at a crossroads: Boulder’s former and now defunct "indoor" mall and former cash cow suffered from an insufficiency of the wretched excesses necessary to compete with the larger temples of bad taste that are sprang up in surrounding communities, notably FlatIron Crossing, aka Flatirons Double Crossing, in the upstart county, Broomfield. A large transfusion of public money may be necessary before the very wealthy corporation owning it will be able to summon up the strength to remodel their property. In its latter-day nearly unoccupied state of retail inadequacy it was sometimes referred to as "Crossroad Small." Robert Johnson has never stood there. Having finally shrunk to but one store, it was finally declared dead early in 2004, and is due to arise in new and splendid form in Oct. 2006. It will be called "Twenty Ninth Street," sans hyphen, making us look like a bunch of semi-lterates.

dark suit event, n., an action resembling the result of pissing one's pants while wearing a dark suit: it gives one a warm feeling, but nobody notices.

Dancing Delmar, n. legendary sage of ancient Boulder. Blessed are those who have seen him boogie down before the Sink jukebox, like David before the Ark, but, thankfully, fully clothed.

demonstration, n. the public tantrum is by now a hoary tradition on campus and a near-official part of the curriculum. The demonstration has become for certain post-collegiate Boulderians a kind of secular camp meeting, a cherished rite of the Cult of Good Intentions in which the morally elect give testimony to the unsaved majority. The placard and the bullhorn replace the tuba and the tamborine. Dressing up in often crudely-made costumes has become frequent feature. Hordes of New Lefties have now taken to coverging on various cities to annoy the crap out of the local police and citizenry. For their own good. Have you accepted nonviolent methods of negotiation as your savior, Brother?

The Diagonal, n. (aka Longmont Diagonal) a dragstrip connecting Longmont and Boulder.

The Divide, n. the Continental Divide, which runs along the crest of the Front Range of the Rocky Mountains, just west of Boulder. Also in large measure a cultural divide, perceived as separating Front Range liberals and city slickers like Boulderians from the gun-totin' salt-of-the-earth Republicans of the Western Slope.

dream house, n. the little house you're going to build on that little piece of land you bought a while back if only those S.O.B.s from the city/county will waive the zoning/building/sanitation/fire ordinances and let you bulldoze a road across open space/through the adjoining lot/up a cliff. Dealing with the authorities is so disheartening, however, that many dream houses that actually reach completion are quickly sold for a substantial profit within a fairly short time.

drop dead gorgeous, adj. [from what she says when approached by the sort of man who uses expressions like "drop dead gorgeous."] 1) a woman as blunt as she is beautiful 2) all the women in Lawrence, KS, according to Boulder Weekly.

e-mail, n. a rapid form of electronic communication that allows the foot to be placed in the mouth much more quickly than previously.

emotional reality, n. 1) the true state of the cosmos and the only proper basis for all activity of governments and right-minded citizens alike. Mine, of course, not yours. 2) a meta-fact; "if it ain't true, it oughta be!" 3) the reasonably persistent feeling that one is absolutely right. The doctrinal bedrock of the Cult [Church] of Good Intentions.

energy, n. an essential of life in Boulder, not to be confused with the boring energy of physics class and the famous "E equals mc squared" equation, the energy meaning, roughly, "the ability to do work." Not that energy. Boulder energy or chi, on the other hand, is an invisible, weightless, odorless, greaseless, tasteless sort of stuff that flows around through everything without doing any work at all. It is especially fond of flowing around in the human body through an intricate, invisible, weightless, odorless, greaseless, tasteless set of plumbing the exact layout of which is somewhat in dispute. It often arranges itself into an invisible, weightless, odorless, greaseless, tasteless nebulousness called a "field." Surprisingly, although it's so ghostly that the combined cleverness of MIT can't even detect it, Boulder energy can get out of balance and, like getting your undies in a bunch, impact the quality of health, happiness and the ability to make verbs out of nouns. Fortunately, Boulder's full of people in the know who can spot unbalanced energy and whip it into shape with nothing more than their bare hands, some crystals, a few herbs or maybe sharp, flesh-piercing instruments. Negative energy is just like energy, only, like, bad.

Evan from Heaven, [from his activities as a "not-so-tight rope" performer] Voted "Best Activist" by readers of the Boulder Daily Camera. Civic visionary or meddlesome crank?

factoid, n. a fragment born from the disintegration of a prehistoric fact, now drifting on its own. Factoids occasionally clump together to form a new fact completely unrelated to the facts that spawned it. Whole worlds are built from factoids in Boulder.

fako radar, n. the system of permanent "Photo Radar Ahead" signs at one time posted all around Boulder warning that the city's single photo radar van was "ahead." Theoretically, if Einstein is correct about the curvature of spacetime, this could have been true. Then again, it could just as likely have been parked at Dunkin' Donuts. Fako radar was a clever ploy to avoid the state law mandating warning signs, and had its own mantra (to the Grateful Dead tune):

Late in 2002, the state legislature closed the loophole that allowed the fako-radar signs, and they passed into history.

Fardels Bear, n. the mascot of backpackers and all those who are heavily laden, mentioned in Hamlet's immortal soliloquy. Fardels' evil twin is named "Trouble Bruin."

Fifth Amendment sign, n. recent term for the V-for victory gesture, later known as the "peace" sign, in which the extended index and middle fingers are displayed spread in a V configuration. Persons unfamiliar with Roman numerals believe it might be the Second Amendment sign or means "gimmie two beers."

First Amendment sign, n. current term for the age-old gesture in which the extended middle finger is displayed in affirmation of unfettered symbolic speech. The First Amendment is Greater Boulderia's very favorite amendment (perhaps because it comes first of all and is easiest to remember) and they deeply believe it covers just about every activity conceivable, except maybe allowing high school kids say "weenie." Boulderians proudly display the First Amendment sign at every opportunity. Click here if you love the First Amendment!

Flatirons, The, n. (You saw them as you came in) Boulder’s dominant icon, the majestic slabs of uplifted sandstone which overlook the town. Their image, stylized in innumerable ways, adorn countless items including the City of Boulder seal and they give their name to no less than (at last count) 41 Boulder businesses. When upstart Broomfield brazenly hijacked the name for their own Bad Taste Babel, calling their new mega-mall “FlatIron Crossing,” some suggested it should be called "Flatirons Double-Crossing" instead. The opening of the Broomfield sprawl-mall caused shopper hysteria, foaming at the mouth, speaking in tongues.

FUV, n. Fuck You Vehicle, aka, Bluto buggy, crassmobile, a personal tank masquerading as a passenger car. The state estimates there are 20, 760 FUVs in Boulder County. Be afraid.

Goodbye, Cruel Boulder! Letter, n. a standard form of letter-to-the editor appearing with dreadful regularity in Boulder's papers. Its author bitterly and ritually denounces Boulder's expensive housing/low wages (due solely, of course, to the willful selfishness and relentless greed [see below] of everyone else in town), the unfriendliness of the men/women and/or difficultry of making friends/getting laid, the snobbishness of the neighborhoods, insensitivity/hypersensitivity of local government, craziness of the drivers/bicyclists/skateboarders, lack of racial/ethnic/political diversity, failure to appreciate art/music/skateboards/graffiti, incompetence/overzealousness of the police etc. Such letters traditionally conclude with an ultimatum that in another two or three years the writer is really, no kidding, going to move away from Boulder and never, ever come back so there. See BARS.

Good Intentions, n. all you need nowadays, whereas all you needed in former times was "Love." If your heart's in the right place, your head can be AWOL. The Cult [or Church, of course, if one Believes] of Good Intentions is Boulder's reigning spiritual modality. The clergy are all self-ordained.

Good Intentions Ordinance, n. an unwritten Boulder law which provides that, 1) "If a given thing shall reasonably be considered bad, then any remedy intended to ameliorate, rectify, oppose or contradict it, no matter how useless, shall be considered good," and 2) further states that "any person who reasonably persistently opposes anything that is good under the provisions of this ordinance shall be deemed a rotten egg." The source of much law in Boulder, though not to be found in any law book.

gufi, n. adherent of gufism, a once-flourishing Boulder sect which advocated, among other things, going around in circles. “What goes around, gets dizzy” is a gufi proverb.

gun-ho, adj. believing fervently in better living through firearms, greets every shooting atrocity with, "See, this wouldn't have happened if everybody had more guns." Shootin's too good for them.

Hill, The, n. small business and residential area near the CU campus where Jack and Jill Student go up, and occasionally, riot down again. The Bunker Hill of the Beer Lib movement. It has recently become the battleground between the couch-burning party-hearty set and the out of town yobs who come to join in the fun and the militant Hill Neighbors, who don't see the area as a ghetto of protracted adolesence.

intelligence, functional n. the concept that a person is only as intelligent as he/she/it acts. Hence, people who are not particularly smart can, through orderly thought processes and good mental hygeine, possess a high FIQ, or functional intelligence quotient. It is also possible for very smart people, by embracing and speaking egregious nonsense, to perform like the naturally stupid. The Theory of Functional Intelligence is useful in understanding the behavior of things like committees and university administrations. See Stupidity [With-a-capital-S].

Invasion of the Big Car People, catchphrase, [Spoken in tones of utter fear and loathing.] The bastards are everywhere.

in your face/eye, catchphrase. A euphemism that tries to make a virtue out of rude, bullying or crudely contumacious rhetoric, reflecting the modern attitude that being offensive is somehow socially beneficial, this once-iconoclastic notion has by now itself become thoroughly conventional. See whine.

KGNU, n. Boulder's volunteer radio station. It has the second-oldest reggae radio show in the US, as emcee Postman Roger has reminded innumerable concert audiences. Tends to aural narcissism, but still much preferable to commercial radio, which has become such a festival of joie duh! vivre and obnoxious jabber that only people trapped in automobiles can excuse subjecting themselves to it. Hear KGNU at: www.kgnu.org

Kinetics, The, n. an annual event started years ago by a handful of crazies who built contraptions that could go by land or by sea and dragged them out to Boulder Reservoir to race against each other. Word spread, and in time, due to the yahoo effect there were not merely large crowds of spectators, but large drunk crowds of spectators. In the end, the event was "saved" by massive crowd control measures and "improved" by instituting advance ticket sales, heavy policing, corporate sponsorship, blathering radio personalities and a downtown parade. Some think it's wondeful, many OBBs think it's become an otherway event.

law enforcement, n . invasion of privacy, according to local firebrands. Not to be confused with law enfarcement, as in swat team confronts man armed with a teddy bear and electric toothbrush, or as in swat team confronts man armed with video camera, in past Boulderian incidents.

letters to the editor, n. a collection of brief editor-safe fillers lacking sharp angles that would make them too hard to swallow easily.

light nanosecond, n. the distance light travels in one nanosecond, about one foot, an important unit of measure on Planet Boulder.

Luno-American, n. and adj. (Frank Coffman) rationally impaired, especially the voluntarily so.

mea culpa sorta, n., a strategic or tactical apology made after one "somehow" finds one has gone ahead and done something that it is patently offensive or injurious.

modest genius, n. 1) an actual genius who is modest 2) a person of modest native intellectual abilities who, through the cultivation of a healthy skepticism, orderly throught processes, habitual analytical thinking and a heightened sense of humor can become desultorily infamous as a local crank.

Mondo Boulder, catchphrase. (according to Gurnie Dobbs, OBB emeritus, "Mondo Boulder" was the title of a Sixties-era 8 mm student film made by "the great" "Diz" Darwin. Also a folkie, around 1957, Darwin sparked Charles Ogsbury's interest in the 5-string banjo. Ogsbury went on the found the Ode banjo company. ) [from the 1963 Italian film Mondo Cane, a compendium of things considered bizarre and shocking at the time. It became a cult favorite, influencing other film titles. The film is largely forgotten, and its theme song, "More" has long outlived it. Mondo came to be used in the sense of great in amout, size or prominence, hence extraordinary, eventually coming to be used (Oxford Distionary of New Words) to mean "the weirder or seedier side of (a particular place, activity, etc.)."] The whole crazy scene, back when it was, and such as it is.

Mork from Ork, Boulder's once famous though now largely forgotten openly alien space visitor, impersonated by Robin Williams in the late 70s TV sitcom "Mork and Mindy." The show used various Boulder locales, such as the Pearl Street Mall and the now-defunct New York Deli. The characters lived in a central Boulder victorian house, and for years a steady stream of pilgrims asked Boulderians the way to Monk and Mindy's house. The house had to be repainted in different colors and a high fence erected to discourage acolytes hoping for a glimpse of female costar Pam Dawber in her scanties. The pilgrims have long since ceased and the high fence has been replaced with something more conventional, but the house retains spiritual significance for the Friends of Venus. Mondo Boulder World Headquarters and command center is rumored to lie deep beneath M&M's house.

Munchkin, H.L., n. Paul Danish, antediluvian student gadfly, long time city councilman, columnist, writer and former county commissioner. Father of Boulder's original growth control ordinance. An authentic Old Boulder Bozo. Quietly joined the diaspora to Longmont in 2006. The apocalypse can not be long in coming.

navel, n., 1) a mandala-like declivity and sacred ritual object in the lower-middle abdominal area used by Boulderians for urban planning, divination, and the occasional storage of bijoux 2) a lengthy work of fiction of a very introspective nature.

Nazi, n. and adj. an overworked rhetorical crutch of the conceptually impaired, referring 1) to anyone (or pertaining to anyone) who ruthlessly insists on enforcing the particular laws or regulations of which one does not personally approve, 2) anyone who fails to be nice. An interesting variant surfaced recently when a scold admonished the writer of a sharply critical letter-to-the-editor to substitute the word "Jews" wherever they had used "yuppies." See how bad that sounds? You must be a Nazi! An interesting variant of this ploy has surfaced as the "What if you were criticising black people that way?" argument. See how bad that sounds?

nearacle, n. almost requiring magical or supernatural causes to explain, but not quite. adj. nearaculous, pretty freakin' weird, but not, like, totally mind-blowing.

neighborhood, n. 1) an equity farm 2) a Boulder power word designating any residential area of the city possessed of a heightened sense of entitlement, or, as adj. something appurtaining thereto, and hence, to all that is Good and Decent. Neighborhood organizations and neighborhood activists have come to wield considerable influence with the city, lobbying effectively for traffic and parking programs and other perks, and acting to fend off threats to decency and property values like old folks' homes, hospitals, skateboard parks and homeless shelters.

neighborhoodism, n. the belief that the neighborhood is the fundamental unit of government, if not the cosmos itself. Doubters face persecution under Section 2 of the Good Intentions Ordinance.

obaloni, n. a rare freshwater bivalve found only in the waters of Greater Boulderia. Its delicate flesh is said to resemble spiced lunchmeat. Its name is sometimes invoked by Boulderians in moments of intense skepticism.

Old Boulder Bozo, OBB, (Pie Phillips) n. 1) a relic of ‘60s Boulder. 2) anyone who’s lived in Boulder longer than oneself.

Open Space, n. If anything is sacred in Boulder, this is it. Boulderians love to hug trees, and where better to do it than in the 27,000 acres of Open Space or 6,500 acres of Parks. Boulderians have been floating tax measures and using the proceeds to aggressively purchase open space in and around the city for many years. It's cheaper and more attractive than digging a moat.

Oriental medicine (aka Chinese Traditional Medicine), n. an hour later you’re hungry for chi.

ossum, adj. Amazing, magnificent, exciting, interesting, pretty good, OK, ho-hum.

otherway event, n. the sort of event that, when any sane person spies it in the distance, he or she (or whatever) heads the other way, and which being somewhere other than instills a feeling of wellbeing. See candle light vigils and demonstrations. Definitive example: The Charlton Heston speech on the C.U. campus, which featured $30,000 worth of stultification inside the auditorium and a crassness festival outside as pro- and anti- gun factions screamed and scuffled.

parentalism, n., the tendency to adopt the same demeanor toward one's neighbors and fellow citizens that one uses with young children. Be nice!

Peace Police, n. The enforcement arm of the Cult of Good Intentions. They're similar to the evangelical fundamentalists that infest the more educationally-challenged areas of the country, but instead of making people feel guilty about sex, drugs, patent leather shoes and Teletubbies, they go around instilling guilt about Boulderians' failure to personally end World Hunger and bring about World Peace. They make sure people continue to feel properly guilty about dropping the atom bomb, even the people who somehow did it before being born.

They hold lots of candle light vigils and demonstrations, including an annual fete for the victims of Hiroshima. They do not seem to hold any memorials for the 300,000 Chinese civilians killed by the Japanese army in Nanking, the 20 million Chinese who died of starvation and disease in The Great Leap Forward (toss in another thousand or so if you want to remember Tianamen Square), the one or two million Cambodians done in by the Khmer Rouge, the 20 to 60 million Russians the ingenious Stalin managed to kill off, the one and a half million Armenians slaughtered by the Turks thus providing inspiration for the Nazis, the half million or so Rwandan sacrifices to tribalism, and the who knows how many thousands who had their still-beating hearts hacked out and eaten by their fellow pre-Columbian Meso-American Indians, but the Peace Police could readily explain how all these things are all your fault, too, if you asked them.

If it weren't for the constant nagging of Boulder's Peace Police, the average warlike Boulderian would get drunk on Saturday night, rush out and grab the nearest nuclear weapons and rain destruction on innocent foreign cities.

Boulder is, sadly, such a hotbed of warmongering that a sizable contingent of the Peace Police must reluctantly eschew the world's trouble spots just to stick around and keep tabs on it. It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it.

peccadillo, [Texian] n. "Texas lobster," a cross between a wild pig and an armadillo; good eatin' if you can penetrate the shell.

the Peak to Peak, n. the scenic, sweeping, mountain stretch of Colorado 72 that connects I-70 in the south and Estes Park and Rocky Mountain National Park in the north, parallel to the Divide, passing the mountain towns of Ward, Raymond, and Allenspark, the Indian Peaks Wilderness Area and 14,255 foot Longs Peak.

Pearl Street Mall, n. the bricked-over, pedestrianized section of the one-time main drag of Boulder, prettified with trees, with the courthouse and its recently snazzed-up square at the center. Both sides are lined with stores full of pretty things and coffee emporiums, bars and cafes where the shopper can revivify when exhausted from grazing for baubles (or drown the memory of the last credit card bill in microbrews). A great success with both tourists and residents, finding is own fifteen minutes of fame as part of the locale for "Mork and Mindy," it's had some problems, as well, which include competition with neighborhoods for parking, and sibling rivalry with Crossroads Mall.

People’s Republic of Boulder, n. tired catch phrase and favorite rhetorical crutch of the politically challenged, alluding to the town’s presumed liberal excesses. There have been suggestions it should be resuscitated as Rich People’s Republic of Boulder. Although intended to be pejorative, PRoB is used proudly by some locals. Independent Republic of Greater Boulderia is to be preferred.

photo radar, n. (aka, roto-fadar) a method of reforming the driving habits of Boulder's less-affluent drivers. Since, by state law, no penalty points could be assessed for photo radar tickets, roto-fadar made speeding another perk of the well-heeled, who, incidentally, are the same folks driving the biggest and most lethal vehicles. (See FUV) At one time roto-fadar was costing around 115 grand a year and channelling all that gravy out of the community to the out of state supplier of the equipment. It didn't have much effect on speeding, and, of course, it couldn't deliver a baby in a pinch. Late in 2002, the state legislature put a severe crimp in Boulder's photo radar program. See fako-radar.

PLAN-B, n. PLAN-Boulder, a citizen group which seeks to raise awareness and broaden horizons on planning questions, headed at the time by Matt Applebaum, former city council person and patron Saint of the Forty Grand Club, PLAN-B caused a mini-PU in the '99 city council race by telling perennial (very, very) dark horse candidate Grateful Fred he wasn't welcome at their little luncheon soirees for the candidates. Fred wasn't grateful.

prog, n. and adj. short for "progressive." A catchall term and self-laudatory euphemism for the New Left, not the Bull Moose Party of T.R. Boulder's a small pond full of big progs.

PU, n. (pronounced pee-you) Predictable Uproar, the customary sturm and drang which accompany any proposal, modest or otherwise, in Boulder. It is not to be confused with CU, the University of Colorado, which is continually in a state of PU over something.

Rainbow Bathing Fountain, n. the charming Art Deco fountain in front of the charming Art Deco court house, so called in fanciful speculation as to the use to which it might be put by the square's “indigenous peoples.” Opinion is divided whether that would be a good thing or not. It’s encircled by a stout chain to prevent ablutions therein, but the loose change tossed into the lagoon remains a temptation. In its animated holiday lighting it's jes' gawjus.

raise awareness, to preach to the converted, or the choir. Primary mission of the Cult of Good Intentions. In a major instance of preaching to the converted, the Boulder City Council, after the usual public exchange of bad rhetoric and much deliberation, officially changed pet owners to pet "guardians," though the measure makes no legal changes. They can always hope, can't they? Folks don't let their kids crap on the neighbors' lawns, do they?

reality check, n. neolgism popular with Boulderians, usually signalling that what follows is likely to be b.s. of the purest ray serene. While paper checks must be backed up by sufficient funds, reality checks need only be backed up by the speaker's emotional reality.

regents, n. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Then there are regents, who don't even seem to know what it is.

responsibility, n. the sworn duty of the Boulderian city and county governments to make every resident’s dreams come true, regardless of cost.

scold reflex, n. an evolutionary behavior manifested by a subspecies of Boulderian, thought to have developed to compensate for a tendency toward moral, political, and ecological decline in the general population, and believed to be associated with a scold gene which is expressed in the traits of saintly high-mindedness and the ability to respond with a fully-formed scold within seconds of an external stimulus. See parentalism.

Sink, the, n. located on the Hill, under various names it has been a college hangout since ancient days. In the Sixties it was such a den of hippies and stoners it drew mention in a New York Times piece. It has fallen victim to creeping respectibility and celebrated its 40th anniversary with a *gag* golf tournament.

The Sixties have a lot to answer for, catchphrase. Alas, so much current self-indulgent and self-righteous bad behavior would seem to derive from that seminal time.

sportsibitionism, n., exercise performed for a maximum of public visibility; See Dick run! Run, Dick, run! See Bolder Boulder.

squeeky wheel government, n. to the noisy belong the spoils. Civic life as a set of interrelated public relations campaigns.

strange physics, n., the study of how the laws of nature differ subtly in Boulderian space. For basic concepts, see a Mondo Boulder Special Report --> HERE.

streets torn up when the students get back, catchphrase, as in "Well, I see they'll have the..." An old Boulder joke which implies that the city schedules major street repairs to coincide with the fall return of 25,000+ CU students, thereby creating Traffic Hell. The real joke is that it's not a joke. It's a tradition.

stupid computer tricks, n. a graphic, animation or other little techno-frippery that would be utterly unremarkable on television, in a movie, or in a puppet show, but elicits wonder if two thousand bucks worth of computer can be coaxed into doing it.

Stupidity, adj. [With-a-capital-S] Through the ages, the unintelligent have been the butt of jokes and the objects of ridicule. This is manifestly unfair, as a good heart, reasonable disposition and orderly thought processes can overcome many of the disadvantages of a dim wit. More deserving of our scorn are the congenitally intelligent who, having better access to the accumulated wisdom of humanity than at any other time in history, choose instead to embrace self-serving cant, superstition, sentimentality and conventional wisdom. Hence, Stupidity [With-a-capital-S], willful ignorance. See intelligence, functional.

suicide crossing, n. 1) pedestrian crossing on Pearl between 28th and 30th streets. So called because the flashing lights seem to cause temporary blindness and deep brake/accelerator pedal confusion in drivers 2) any of several similar pedestrian-activated crosswalks in Boulderia which flash little twinkling green lights indicating that drivers are supposed to stop for pedestrians, although not as seriously supposed to as if an actual red light were there.
There is controversy regarding whether suicide crossings are safer (some cars stop) or more dangerous (false sense of security) than just closing your eyes and running out into traffic.

Teahouse, The, n. When Dushanbe, in Tajikistan, one of Boulder's sister cities, gave the town a disassembled, elaborate Tajikistani teahouse, a PU (which see) of considerable proportions was guaranteed because of the unavoidably astronomical cost of erecting the structure. The pieces lay long in storage, but eventually the nearacle was accomplished in 1990. Still, it's so durn purty everyone but the really old soreheads has grown to love this amazingly ornamented structure, even though tossing in paintings, sculpture, potted plants, and all those restaurant tables flirts with wretched excess. Not really a gift, the Teahouse involved the promise of an equal-or-greater quid pro quo. The same sister city movers-and-shakers who set up the Teahouse deal decided on an internet cafe, but are still nagging the populace for the money to pay for it.

too lazy to move to LA, catchphrase. wants it recreated right by the Flatirons, i.e., is pro-development.

traffic circle, (aka carma circle) n. round hazard placed in street intersections, supposedly possessing magical powers to "calm" traffic and bring peace and prosperity to favored neighborhoods through chi or some power as yet unmeasured by science, despite years of hopeful studies by the transportation department. The traffic circle is a ritual object of the Cult/Church of Good Intentions. The more ornate specimens house artistic rocks and plots of petunias. One daring circle even sports a naked lady mooning westbound drivers. (A Boulder legend has it that kissing the statue gives protection against photo radar, but not if you are still behind the wheel of your car when the kissing takes place.)

After five years of tacky "permanent-temporary" models like the 17th and Pine circle that resembled a mid-intersection garage sale or a bad case of signus congestion, the issue was finally forced to a vote through a ballot initiative. After interminable grousing, and public opinion polls that had run about two-thirds against, Boulderian voters perversely approved the things. Whether it was because they couldn't figure out that "Yes" meant "No" and "No" meant "Yes", or they've just grown to love them will remain something of a mystery. Click here for a Mondo Boulder Special Report.

The City, continuing to snub established engineering standards, left the design of the Pine Street gizmos up to neighborhood enthusiasts, a decision that may return to haunt it in some litigious future. The resulting flower pots poignantly illustrate the Worst of Two Worlds Effect, being too small to inhibit all but the already-cautious driver, but big enough to hamper emergency vehicles. Traffic circles show clear preference for an appealing emotional reality over an unappealing reality, which you may take a peek at here.

tragedy, n. anything bad, from a hangnail to the clash of ignorant armies by night. To retain any trace of it's original meaning, tragedy ought to denote at very least the downfall of a person through some willful, or at least deliberate, act of their own. It is now so thoroughly trite it should be put out of its misery along with those media hacks who use it for every accident and disaster.

Tripartite Hegemony, n, the earthly manifestation of Boulderia's threefold county commissioners.

Tom's Tavern, n. an unassuming beer and burger emporium just off the west end of the Mall owned by City Councilman Tom Eldridge. The place dates from antiquity, but some say 'twas ruint years ago when the shuffleboard table was removed and picture windows and wood panelling installed. Before that, it had the cool, dim interior of a small town tavern, a true oasis that seemed far from the malling crowd. It's still a watering hole for OBBs and a good place to escape migrating herds of banana republicans.

Turnpike, the, n. (aka the Denver-Boulder Turnpike, US 36) it stopped being a toll road in 1967, but is still referred to in this way by OBBs.

Tyranny Response Team, n. Longmont's former gun dealer Bob Glass and his merry band of sometimes-masked boobus ballisticus. Though they would dearly love to be out toppling totalitarian regimes, preventing rapes, and generally showing the police up as complete incompetents, there are unfortunately too many unruly Moms and others who disagree with them that need to be shouted at through bullhorns for them to do all those things. Now, thoroughly kaput locally, probably because of close scrutiny of Glass by the ATF. The TRT is now extinct.

ultimate, adj. designating yet another in a possibly endless succession of something-or-others. Usually preceded by "the." This buzzword deserves the ultimate penalty.

Vetsville, n. archaic term for CU's married student housing, its use is a dead giveaway that the speaker is an OBB.

wannabe, n. and adj. Refers to Obi Kan Wannabe, an evil Jedi featured in a future Star Wars film to be shot on location in Monk and Mindy's house.

Ward, n. a mountain hamlet west of Boulder, near the Indian Peaks Wilderness Area. The remains of a once thriving mining town that never recovered from disastrous fires, it is a haven for the kind of rugged individualist who doesn't mind living right on a main road. Dotted with heaps of mine tailings from the previous century's assault on the countryside and sporting the largest accumulation of junk cars in the Front Range if not the entire Rocky Mountains, Ward squats near the gateway to the Indian Peaks like a pimple on Miss America's nose. Its inhabitants like to speak of themselves as environmentalists, on the insult-to-injury principle.

whine, n. and v. another person's complaint. [A favorite epithet of the professional whiner, who may use sheer stridency, contumely, vehemence, or even a bullhorn, to camouflage their whines.] See in your face/eye.

winter wonderland, n. a stock phrase that should be banned from all civilized usage except in the most ironic or sarcastic sense; as when blowing snow closes the Boulder Turnpike or a clot of clueless 4WD vehicle drivers plugs Boulder Canyon during a blizzard.

yahoo effect, n. the tendency of obnoxious jerks to gravitate toward events where people are enjoying themselves, the better to expose their fundamentally loathsome personalities. Halloween on the Pearl Street Mall began spontaneously with small groups of creatively costumed zanies goofing around, but soon began to attract hordes of unconstumed gawkers, rowdy teenagers and fratrats, and finally, gang bangers and thugs. In a few short years "The Mall Crawl" became a truly nightmarish near-riot of 40,000 people, whereupon the city hexed the affair and the Police put a stake through its heart before there were any fatalities.

youth art, n. euphemism for graffiti, synonym for butt-ugly. The world not only owes you a living, it owes you a mural-sized canvas.