Who would have guessed the internet would replace the water cooler?

Sometimes unintentional humor has a childlike innocence. We seem to stop thinking about phrases we have heard too many times. [Thanks, KLM.]

These ingenious new phrases, suitable for use by the WTO, were circulating through the email system (and the heads) of the CU library system. Forwarded to Mondo Boldo, and on to you, by one of our spies behind the stacks.

Winners of a New York Magazine contest were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression.

respondez s'il vous plaid: Honk if you're Scottish.

harlez-vous francais?: Can you drive a French motorcycle?

veni, vipi, vici: I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

cogito eggo sum: I think; therefore I am a waffle.

rigor morris: The cat is dead.

que sera serf: Life is feudal.

Le Roi est mort. Jive le Roi: The king is dead. No kidding.

posh mortem: Death styles of the rich and famous.

pro bozo publico: Support your local lawyer.

mon age a trois: I am three years old.

haste cuisine: Fast French food.

quip pro quo: A fast retort.

aloha oy: Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.

mazel ton: Tons of luck.

Visa la France: Don't leave your chateau without it.

carne diem: Seize the meat.

The following email flotsam was forwarded to Mondo Boldo by our favorite Boulder librarian. We wish Boulderians in general thought this way, and we wish we'd thought these gems up!

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver.

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Marionettes (n.), residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. [ed note: ...that gives you a boner.]

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

And, best of all...

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[For a glossary of Boulderian words and phrases, click here.]

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Note: We suspect that there are many regional variants of this story. A rather wimpy version appeared in the Daily Camera. This unexpurgated version comes to you direct from the internet, courtesy of our friend, L.B.

Caveat: Except for Diana Ross, Mondo Boulder does not endorse the notion of Supreme beings!

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to the middle of a large land mass and asked, "What is that place?"

"Colorado, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and exquisite grasslands. The people from Colorado are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. They will be admired by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? ...You said there will be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouth, whiney-assed, arrogant piss-ants I'm putting right in the middle of them in a town called BOULDER!"