The Independent Republic of Greater Boulderia is a small country, lacking even its own armed forces (though it could certainly afford some if it wanted them). But its HIP (highly intelligent population, or highly incensed progressives) make Boulderia one of the world's leading producers of high quality opinions, scolds and admonitions and it exports large quantities of these strategic materials to neighboring countries to lubricate their decision making processes. Below are but a few examples of the crucial role played by the Boulderian citizen opinion industry in recent world events:
ACTION: Boulder activists warn the United States that military action in Afghanistan is completely impossible, and it's best not even to think of it. They advise having the World Court send someone around to arrest Osama bin Laden.
RESULT: OK, OK, so no one can bat a thousand all the time!
ACTION: Boulder activists warn the United States not to immediately plunge into an unrestrained orgy of indiscriminate bombing that would reduce a depopulated Afghanistan to a fine powder.
RESULT: The US spends an extended period planning and consulting with world leaders before launching a complex, targeted military action: Boulder activists avert genocide!
ACTION: A barrage of letters to Boulder newspapers warns the United States that if it does not halt bombing immediately, 7.5 million Afghans will starve.
RESULT: Within days, the US government announces that bombing will rapidly wind down, the Taliban graciously having stepped aside to allow aid to resume flowing into the country: Decisive letter writing by Boulder activists saves 7.5 million people!
ACTION: The Colorado Daily runs an editorial cartoon showing Attorney General Ashcroft using military tribunals to crush the very Scales of Justice in his evil grasp.
RESULT: The very same day the attorney general announces that the September 11 highjacking suspect will be tried in civilian courts, not a military tribunal. Impressive results!
ACTION: Boulder Weekly managing editor Pamela White writes a bitter column denouncing the Office of Strategic Influence, a propaganda initiative included in the Bush administration's War on Terror, and explaining once again why the rest of the world justifiably hates the United States.
RESULT: Devious governmental intelligence operatives get wind of Pam's column and kill the $10 billion agency the day before the column runs, again demonstrating the amazing power of the Boulderian press!
...And so on. Still, not all Boulderian foreign policy crises went so smoothly. Boulder's leaders sometimes disregard the high grade opinions composted right in their own homeland, preferring expensive imported opinions instead. The Boulderian ruling council refused local Buddhists' requests to fly the Tibetan flag in protest of Chinese repression, citing the currently trendy Fear of Offending China. (The Chinese could precipitate a crisis by cutting off Boulder's supply of acupuncture needles, green tea, and those funny little shoes.) Boulder's leaders prefer to continue the officially approved method of undermining Chinese rule by encouraging the Chinese government to amass large amounts of foreign currency by selling its citizens' labor cheaply on the world market. And if that doesn't work, Boulder can always make China a Sister City.
With relief and gratitude for positioning Boulderia as a Crucial Player on the Global Stage, Mondo Boulder demands that Pamela White and all other Boulderian citizens who have personally saved the planet at least once during the past week immediately Say "", spin around earth's orbit three times, and look in the mirror! You're international Dillies!
