Greater Boulderia may be the abode of Peace and Love, but nobody's perfect...

Life Imitates Art Award
Like banana peels lying in wait to launch the unwary stroller ass-over-brisket, or heavy safes dropping from the sky to bean the unsuspecting passerby, the angry housewife brandishing a rolling pin is one of the cartoonist's most enduring and familiar stock images. The archetype of all these shrews is probably Maggie, of George McManus' newspaper comic "Bringing Up Father." Started in 1913, the strip continued until 2000 (under various artists after McManus died in 1954) to become the longest-running daily strip in the world.

Maggie

But have you ever actually known anyone who slipped on a banana peel or was beaned by a safe? When we spotted this domestic drama worthy of Maggie and Jiggs back in March, '02, we knew it would be hard to beat, on the strength of sheer cultural resonance, for the top spot in the Dillies' mayhem category.

Jiggs

Tammy, a 33-year-old Longmont woman was arrested on suspicion of beating her husband Michael over the head with a rolling pin. According to police, the couple had friends over, and Tammy went to bed before all the company had departed. "After the last person, a girlfriend of Tammy's left, he said, he went into the bathroom, and Tammy hit him over the head with a rolling pin. He said he dropped to his knees and she continued to hit him ..." Michael was treated for "a lump on the head" (another cartoonist favorite) and a broken nose.

Runners Up:

In the merry month of May, 25-year-old Boulder resident Davina, after first trying a metal bar, beaned her common law husband with a household iron. (Maybe she didn't have the traditional rolling pin.) Police who responded found hubby bleeding from the head. The couple had argued over what to watch on TV. "Cops," maybe?

In more Longmont household utensil-related mayhem, a 35-year-old transient was arrested for attempting to stab a juvenile with a steak fork, and a 26-year-old man was apprehended for a past incident in which he allegedly had held a kitchen knife to his then-pregnant common-law wife's stomach. According to police, he said he "would not hurt his son now, because he was a good father."

 

The Wages of Peace Award
Peace rally turns into melee headlined the Colorado Daily's account of a January 29, '03, anti-war rally held at the University of Colorado Memorial Center fountain area. Hostilities commenced when anti-war demonstrators exceeded their allotted time and CU forces cut supply lines of electricity for the PA system. Students then tried to storm the UMC to restore the juice, and a skirmish ensued. Chemical weapons were employed by both sides and a university police officer was tear gassed by a demonstrator who effected a strategic retreat.

One of the three protesters eventually charged, Chell, said he didn't really believe in the peace movement, but joined in the fray because it looked "fun," according to an arrest report. One student, Jordan, pled guilty to misdemeanor charges, avoiding a felony charge of inciting a riot. The three agreed to pay the medical expenses of the gassed officer, although none of the three were accused in the spraying.

Members of Coalition to Wage Peace, the organization sponsoring the rally, charged that police, who were not in uniform and didn't identify themselves, used excessive force. The CU police refused to participate in a restorative justice program with the students, but they did spend a lot of time thoroughly investigating themselves, eventually producing a massive report exonerating themselves completely.

[This award is shared by the Coalition to Wage Peace, for demonstrating so effectively just how wars get started, and the CU Police, for continuing not to surprise us.]
 

Any Tool Can Be The Right Tool Award
A Longmont resident, Victor, broke new ground in a May, '02, incident in which he was accused of assaulting two men with a child's scooter during a fight. The victims said a group of men in a bar picked a fight with them. [It wasn't clear if the group of men had the scooter with them, there, in the bar, or if it was parked outside, or what.] Maybe Victor had heard the motorcycle slang "scooter trash," and took it too literally.
 

The Money Shot Award
The owner of an upscale French restaurant in Niwot was arrested in October, '02, for throwing a quart of cream on his ex-girlfriend who was also part-owner of the business. According to the sheriff's department, the two, who were separated, were arguing and trying to "come to a closure" in their romantic and professional relationship. The former girlfriend told deputies she wasn't sure if she slipped or if he pushed her, but "when she looked up, she said, she saw the cream coming at her."

[Award includes extra style points for using quality materials.]

 

Bun Down So Long It Looks Like Up to Me Award
A Boulder County Jail inmate was arrested on suspicion of second degree assault after crumbling another inmate's honey bun. The November. '02, bun assault led to a fight in the jail commissary in which the bun basher, George, assaulted the bun owner, Jeremy, with a jail issue plastic cup, sending him to the hospital for 14 assorted stitches.

Bun (artist's conception)

George broke a little finger and sustained some scratches. The bun was simply crushed.

 

Act Your Rage Award
Dan, a 78-year-old resident of Golden West Manor, was accused of throwing 77-year-old Richard to the ground because he thought Richard was about to hit him with a hoe. Police said the two, who have adjacent garden plots, fought because Richard's dog (not named) was standing in his neighbor's garden. The 77-year-old said he suffered minor injuries, but declined to press charges in the June, '03 fracas.

Watch for a new reality show, "Geezer Wars," in which oldsters earn extra Medicare benefits in gladiatorial contests using household garden implements, discharging soon from a network pipeline for electronic effluent.
 

Sibling Rivalry Awards
Men are from Mars: CU police arrested 19-year-old Robert Wilson on the floor of the CU events center following a March, '03, basketball game after he decked his 20-year-old brother John and punched another student who tried to break up the assault. Police said they smelled alcohol on the breath of both brothers. John, who was taken to the hospital, "bleeding profusely from the head," told police he couldn't remember being hit, but that people had been telling him he was an "asshole." It must run in the family.

Women are also from Mars: In April, '03, two Boulder County sisters fought over the affections of their cat. One, a juvenile, was accused of kicking her sister in the head, resulting in a bruised eye and swollen lip because of jealousy over the cat's affection for the older sister, who was in turn accused of striking the younger. The older sister said she was unable to go to work for a week. The incident was reported to social services. What about the cat?
 

Couldn't Get Into MENSA Award
Police responding to a noise complaint in a March, '03, incident in Boulder found a man on the ground with about five men trying to kick him in the head. The victim told the cops his attackers were members of the 34th Street or San Juan gang and he was willingly "being beaten into the gang." There were no arrests.
 

The Curse Of True Love Never Did Run Smooth Award
An 18-year-old Boulder woman and her 41-year-old boss were arrested for conspiring to have her ex-boyfriend beaten up. After luring the man into her truck, the woman sped away, telling him, "I can't wait to see your face, and you're going to get what you deserve," according to police reports. The ex-boyfriend was driven to Legion Hill on Arapahoe Road, where he received a nasal fracture, swelling around both eyes, assorted bruises and contusions to the face and body, and finally choked unconscious by an assailant waiting there. He told police his ex had tried to run over him in an earlier incident. July, '02

Runners Up:

Block party: A domestic dispute between a Longmont couple escalated into a street brawl involving 20 people when relatives of the couple became involved. Two relatives of the woman were sent to the hospital for injuries from being struck with a crowbar or baseball bat, one with a "bruised brain." The couple were arrested in the August. '02 fracas.

Overachiever: A Longmont construction worker outdid himself in an attack on his girlfriend in June, '02. Not content at merely throwing her to the ground and kicking her, he also threw an ax at her and held three knives to her, according to police.

 

Bottle Baby Award
They said: According to witnesses, CU student Scott Kuhn chased the victim out of a November, 2002 party on the Hill and hit him about 10 times on the head with a bottle. Kuhn continued bashing the other man even after he fell to the ground and continued yelling at him as he was loaded into a car for a trip to the hospital to receive more than 200 stitches and 30 staples to close his wounds. Police said there were no shards of glass in the area and no signs of injury to Kuhn's face.

His lawyer said: After a large fight broke out, bottles were breaking all around Kuhn. Someone punched Kuhn in the face. Kuhn found himself in the street with a bottle in his hand, "but he doesn't know where it came from." Kuhn hit someone on the head with the bottle, but "the man did not fall to the ground," according to lawyer Robert McCallister.

[Award goes to lawyer McCallister for givin' it the old college try. Kuhn got 5 years.]
 

That's All, Folks Awards

Loony though the tune often is, life is not a cartoon, and human bodies aren't as resilient as Wile E. Coyote's.
 
The batter strikes out: Matthew Bauer, 20, was visiting from Arizona when he bashed another man in the head with a baseball bat. The attack, in July '01, was a result of mistaken identity over a stolen keg of beer in yet another drunk-students-on-the-Hill brawl. Bauer was also charged with sexual assault in his home town of Show Low while out on bond on the local case. Believe it or not, he is said to have an IQ "between 125 and 130."

His attorney, Brandon Marinoff, asked at one point to delay the proceedings because wildfires were threatening Bauer's parents' home. Unfortunately, when a Longmont paper reported overhearing Marinoff outside the courtroom explaining to his client a defense strategy of delaying as long as possible, the judge was not amused. In January, '03, Bauer was sentenced to seven years in prison. In July. '03, the victim, who suffers from continuing problems including recent seizures, filed a civil suit against Bauer for unspecified damages.

[Award goes to all those folks who complain that the drunk party mobs on the Hill are just harmless students being picked on by neighbors and the cops; the award is shared with lawyer Marinoff, for givin' it the old college try.]

There but for fortune: When in July, '01, a drunk started tearing recklessly around his Longmont neighborhood on an ATV, shouting obscenities, Mark Klag did what many people would have been tempted to do: he grabbed a piece of firewood, stood in front of his home, and unhorsed the oaf. Sadly, the fall left the 25-year-old-man with permanent brain damage and partial paralysis. Prosecutors backed off charging Klag with first degree assault, probably realizing a jury would tend to feel the victim's behavior contributed to the unfortunate result and would balk at the 10 year mandatory sentence. Prosecutors were scolded by Judge Roxanne Bailin for asking for prison time anyway, despite agreeing to a plea bargain on lesser charges. Klag will spend six years in a halfway house.

[Award is shared by the victim and by Judge Bailin for no acknowledgement whatsoever that the victim's own bad behavior played a decisive role in his misfortunes.]
Here we go!