"I paint with my prick." attr. Pierre Auguste Renoir
It is only fitting that the very first Dilly! be awarded to Boulder Countyite Rob "Robin" Rowan, the no-longer-secret identity of the infamous art vigilante, El Dildo! (A Folk Hero For the New Millennium). For those who have been living in a cave somewhere, the (believe it or not) 49-year old (or 50-something, depending on which paper you read) Rowan was the penis pilferer who stole into the Boulder Public Library (El Dildo! actually lives in Lafayette and his taxes do not support the BPL) and stole out again with an artwork called "Hanging 'Em Out To Dry," a string of larger-than-life brightly colored ceramic representations of the male member which were threatening to corrupt Boulderia's 5-year olds. He left behind an American flag and a note identifying the thief as "El Dildo Bandido." The crockery cockery was part of an exhibit titled, perhaps overoptimistically, "Art Triumphs Over Domestic Violence." The note was, according to Rowan, to add a little "humor and sarcasm."
Glad to hear it! Mondo Boulder stands for nothing if not for humor and sarcasm! Rowan claimed to be angered by the library's failure to display a 10 by 15 foot American flag. El Dildo! told the Daily Camera he couldn't believe how much "frickin' attention" he got as a result of his dildo dido, but calling up talk radio to claim credit and having celebratory T-shirts and coffee mugs printed might appear to be inviting frickin' attention. Not to mention putting up a website with dozens of photos of yourself waving flags, being interviewed by the media and posing in front of the stolen art like a chubby Hemingway with his trophies. El Dildo! is the most attention-starved human since Jann Scott.
All this managed to predictably confuse Boulderia's forces for Law and Order, who after due ditheration declined to charge El Dildo! with theft because he didn't "intend" to keep the artwork. "We're just trying to deal with it like any other case," Boulderian DA Mary Keenan explained to the Camera. So now it's official: In Boulderia it's just a misdemeanor, second degree criminal tampering, if you don't "intend" to keep stolen art works, and you are apparently allowed to remove the articles to your hideout for an indefinite period and subject them to various indignities. As long as you hand over the goods politely if the police ask you for them, you haven't committed theft under Boulderian law. This no doubt relieved and gratified not only El Dildo! himself, but the unknown copycat who promptly boosted another sculpture from the same exhibit and stashed it in a dumpster. Our experts at the Mondo Boulder Institute of Weird Law suggest that this approach might be applied across the board as a Boulder-inspired legal reform to reduce the prison population, and cut down on shootouts and high speed chases. They admitted, however, that it might be viewed as encouraging theft and could cause talk radio to become clogged with swagmen bragging about their exploits.
The best advice for resolving the dispute came from the local wits who wisely cracked that the perfect compromise would be painting the offending phalli red, white and blue. This would put the "pater" back in "patriotism." In the end, the recovered penises, once so well hung were not rehung, the library felt compelled to hire a $35 per hour security guard, the future of public art display remains under something of a cloud, and El Dildo! although "relieved and grateful," remains defiant. Domestic Violence Triumphs over Art, after all.
Mondo Boulder asked experts at the Institute of Luno-Americanism to examine excerpts from Rowan's numerous statements to the media. They pointed out that phrases like "bashing all males," "a kick in the groin to our boys," and "frickin' attention" indicated "a little boy with poor impulse control who is very fearful about being hit in the testicles by a woman and who badly needs attention and support from other males." Our experts theorize El Dildo! may view the larger-than-life artwork as a personal threat. "All males," the expert report stated, "are apprehensive to some extent about getting biffed in the dangly bits, but most do not act out except perhaps by wearing assaultively loud headgear." They concluded that El Dildo! "needs to get a grip."
Police Chief Mark Beckner told the press, "We've gotten calls from both sides of the issue some people thinking we should throw this guy in jail and other people thinking he should be given an award." In fact, El Dildo!did get an award. An outfit called the Longmont Republican Roundtable/Women in Action gaveEl Dildo! their Big Elephant Award for upholding those cherished Republican values of vigilantism, theft and censorship. El Dildo! eventually pled (yes, that's a perfectly good past tense) no contest to misdemeanor charges, still insisting he did the library "a favor" and sounding like a political candidate. Such courage deserved a better conviction! It is with relief and gratitude Mondo Boulder awards El Dildo! the very first eponymous Dilly! Say "" spin around the library flag pole three times, and look in the mirror! Congratulations! You're lookin' at a real Dilly!
Meanwhile, it tookan unknownparty in Boulder's real sister city(You know it's true!), Aspen, to show that art tampering can be done with style and taste. Rick Magnuson, of Aspen's police department, created a work using a real $100 bill titled, "I Dare You to Steal This $100" which he said was to make prospective thieves think about their actions. Well, some one did. They swapped five $20s for Magnusen's $100.
Museum officials "restored" the work with another $100 bill, but the artist grumped that his original work had been unalterably changed. True! The didactic concept behind the piece was pretty threadbare to start with, and the artifice involved in sticking on a real bill hardly compares with crafting anything neato like ceramic penises. So the unknown party actually injected some wit into an otherwise sterile exercise. If Magnusen had left the piece unrestored, it would undoubtedly have been more artistically interesting and valuable to collectors than the original work. In other words, though Mondo Boulder is not without some misgivings, the unknown Aspendito's wit and style shine in comparison to the sour censoriousness of our own childish wanksters El Dildo! and his imitators.
So Rick,for poor sportsmanship (and artsmanship), Say "" spin three times around the Guggenheim, and look in the mirror! You're lookin' at a real Dilly!