Alas! A prophet is without honor in his own country, and FIDOS was less than appreciative of Murphy's offer "to provide maps of the poop locations to help you truly achieve your goal." In response to Poop Snoopy's, pardon, Murphy's email, FIDOS' Chris Morrison complained:

Did you by any chance survey the area before to see how much dog poop we did pick up? You could always weigh the trash cans before and after. Its wonderful to spend an hour cleaning up an area and get criticized for it. Feels about as good as having George W. Bush president, courtesy of the Green Party. Yes, self righteousness is wonderful.

Enjoy the earth.

And yet again we glimpse the Cult of Good Intentions, Greater Boulderia's supreme spiritual modality, at its mysterious work: Are Good Intentions enough to absolve Sin? Or aren't they? For dog owners? For the Green Party? For corporate polluters? When Morrison says, "Yes, self righteousness is wonderful," it somehow seems utterly without irony.

Then Poopy, we mean Murphy, was arrested on charges of harassment for videotaping and following the owners of unleashed dogs he saw romping and pooping on the grounds of Casey Middle School. Murphy has also produced an aerial crap map of this popular fecal disposal zone plotting some 661 noxious bundles left by thoughtful neighbors for someone else to deal with. Boulder Police apparently want people to believe it is harassment to follow scofflaws, but the jury thought otherwise, agreeing with Murphy's lawyer that, "In the state of Colorado, it is not a crime to want the law enforced." Hark! A reader COMMENTS!

Meanwhile, officials ponder the problem. And ponder, and ponder, as they so often do when faced with the uncomfortable prospect of actual enforcement of one of their myriad codified Good Intentions. Mondo Boulder's spies have learned that officialdom has considered:

• Requiring, as a health regulation, that all children be on leashes while in the Sanitas Valley. ("Put that down, sweetie, it's not a Tootsie Roll!")

•Banning humans from the Sanitas Valley except when accompanied by a dog.

•Changing the name of the Sanitas Valley (low-cost irony-reducing hyphen-intensive alternative to actual enforcement).

Only the last one might work. One thing is certain, dog crap in the Unsanitas Valley (another possibility: Sacrifice Valley) will probably be with us for a long, long time, due to the abundance of preservatives in dog grub. In a January (02) letter to the Camera, the Humane Society seemed to opt for the Sacrifice Valley concept, expressing concern "about the impact on other, more fragile parks in Boulder, where dog use would no doubt increase" if dogs were restricted in the Mount Sanitas area. Mondo Boldo supposes this is the lesser of evils, but is adamant against any name change. There's something supremely nutty about a place that has a mountain named "Sanitas" rising out of a valley full of dog crap. One letter writer suggested hiring Boulderia's beggars and sign people to pick up the dog excrement. Valet crapping! Aspenians may be richer, but Boulderians are more inventive!

Boulder has given the world a wonderful new tool in the aerial crap map, but it remains to be seen just what impact it will have on life in Greater Boulderia. (Neither the Green Party or the Bush League has yet taken a position on this controversial crime-fighting technology, or the larger dog crap question.) But at least the crap map should serve to remind us there's one thing we can all be truly thankful for...

...it's a good thing that dogs can't fly!

For more stunning examples of crapmapping, or "coprocartography" in correct nomenclature, grab a plastic bag and click -->

NOTE: On 01/18/02, the city installed Big Red Stop Signs in the Sanitas area warning poop polluters they face a $500 fine, in theory, at least. Stay tuned...