They groused about 'em
...for years. They dissed 'em consistently in opinion polls. It took a determined five-year citizen battle with the city-backed Circle Cult just to force a public vote on 'em. But in the Year of the Electoral Anomalies, Boulderians, in the semi-privacy of their tippy little voting machines, finally approved traffic circles by a substantial margin. No use blaming the Electoral College for this one!
In order to qwell
... the wild rumors swirling about the Circle Coup, Mondo Boulder has undertaken an exhaustive post-electoral analysis using the very latest technology. Sparing no expense, our experts have analyzed every single chad produced by "No" votes on ballot question 2A using a unique high-tech three-stage ultra-hyphenated process:
•Each chad was authenticated by mass-spectographic analysis by the night janitor at NASA.
•Exhaustive DNA analysis was performed on all traces of bodily fluids on each chad, and the results were evaluated by a panel of moonlighting lie-detector experts from the Boulder DA's office.
•A panel of Boulder-psychics held a seance over each chad.
We present the findings of this explosive study below, in the form of (what else) a...
[If there's anything Boulderians consume more avidly than Pie it's Statistics.]
60% —Didn't realize voting "No" meant "Yes" and "Yes" meant "No"
19% —If driving is made frustrating enough for other people they will have to use bicycles, won't be able to peddle back to Boulder with all the expensive stuff they buy in Broomfield
5% —Close relative of petunia grower or Colorado Concrete employee
4% —YOUR BABIES WILL DIE FIERY, HORRIBLE DEATHS UNLESS YOU PLACE A MILLION BUCKS WORTH OF CONCRETE PLANTERS IN A PLAIN PAPER BAG AND DELIVER TO WHITTIER NEIGHBORHOOD NOW!
3% —Have these in Europe, so they must be good
2.5% —Not planning on having heart attack or fire anytime soon
2% —Look like fools if we change now
2% —If we build them, the space people will come
1.5% —Cheated, looked at other guy's ballot
1% —Don't know
Brave New Whirl
The People have spoken, and lo! though they may have spoken in baby talk, Mondo Boulder is prepared to go along with the gag. We shall move with these giddy times, though the resulting centrifugal forces may threaten to pull away from our shell-like ears the TV remote we use as a pretend cell phone whenever we drive anywhere.
Once again at great expense to ourselves, Mondo Boulder has engaged the services of a Feng Shui Master who also holds a radial black belt (actually, the belt holds him) in Concrete Work to design Traffic Embranglements truly worthy of the folkways and culture of the Independent Republic of Greater Boulderia.
Click the YES link below to view Mondo Boulder's stunning gift to the peace-loving peoples of the G.B.R.
[WARNING: The following images contain scenes of explicit Concrete Work. If you are an Extemely Sensitive Person who is Easily Offended and who then becomes an Irritating Fussbudget, please place a recyclable paper (NOT plastic!) grocery bag over your head before clicking the link below!]
YES, I'm brave enough. Whirl me!
/td>